As we journey through life, one thing becomes clear: resilience is crucial. Life has its ups and downs, and learning how to bounce back from setbacks is one of the most valuable skills we can cultivate. Resilience is not about avoiding difficulties but about learning how to face them with strength, perseverance, and faith. This mindset is essential in all areas of life—especially when it comes to relationships and personal growth.
For most of my life, I felt like God was looking out for me. I was blessed with friends and supportive adults who were straightforward, kind, and lived with integrity. My aunts, in particular, were a shining example. They taught me what it meant to live with kindness and authenticity. They didn’t gossip or slander others, and they kept a positive outlook on work, always focusing on getting things done, returning home to their families, and meeting needs. They had a mindset of not getting overly opinionated about things that didn’t directly concern them, which I admired. My friends and classmates were also incredibly supportive, and I never experienced the bullying or cruelty that you often see in movies. I grew up believing in the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated—and I was fortunate to encounter people who lived by that same principle.
I valued my relationships deeply and believed that the people close to me truly had my back. But, as is often the case, life has a way of showing you things you didn’t expect. It wasn’t until later in my adulthood that I realized how mean-spirited some people can be. Think of the “mean girls” from high school—those who act with malice and manipulation to bring others down. I didn’t like it, but I suppose I naturally avoided those kinds of people and set boundaries to protect myself. What do you do, though, when it’s someone you can’t avoid? A family member you live with, or someone you work with? In some ways, I think I just didn’t notice this behavior at first because I kept these types of people out of my life.
But eventually, I did encounter someone like that. And it was eye-opening. I started noticing patterns of manipulation and control. It was strange—because even though I could see what was happening, I found myself still seeking their approval. Why? Why did I still crave validation from someone whose behavior was clearly toxic? I’m sharing this because I want to remind myself, and maybe you too, that breaking free from this cycle requires resilience. It’s a practice, not a one-time event.
Understanding Manipulation and How It Works
Manipulation occurs when someone uses deceptive tactics to control or influence others for their own benefit. If you’re someone who deeply desires approval or connection, manipulators can exploit this by withholding validation or using guilt, flattery, or emotional pressure to get you to act in their favor.
For example, they may offer praise when they need something, but become distant or critical when they don’t, leaving you feeling insecure and uncertain of your worth.
What can help? Awareness is key. Recognize when you’re being manipulated and acknowledge that it’s not a reflection of your value—it’s the manipulator’s behavior. With this understanding, you can start to rebuild your sense of self-worth and break free from the cycle.
The Root Causes: Why Do We People-Please?
People-pleasing behavior often stems from insecurities. If you’re afraid of rejection or conflict, you might go out of your way to make others happy, often at the expense of your own well-being. Over time, this pattern can lead to submissiveness and a constant need for external validation.
But here’s the catch: seeking approval and people-pleasing aren’t just about wanting to be liked—they’re about a deeper fear of not being enough. We all have that fear to some degree, and it’s essential to understand that it doesn’t define our worth.
How to Rewire Your Mindset and Build Resilience
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Awareness
Understanding that you’re susceptible to manipulation because of your need for approval is the first step. It’s not about being “simple-minded”—it’s about recognizing that your emotional needs might be exploited by others. Once you understand this, you can start making intentional choices to protect your emotional health. -
Set Healthy Boundaries
Start practicing saying “no” and setting limits, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. By respecting your own emotional needs, you send a clear message that you value yourself. Boundaries are essential to protect you from being used and to keep your peace intact. They help you navigate relationships without being manipulated. -
Embrace Self-Validation
True confidence doesn’t come from external praise. It comes from within. Begin to affirm your worth apart from others’ opinions. Reflect on your identity in Christ: you are already deeply loved and valued by Him. As you grow in this understanding, you’ll find it easier to navigate relationships without feeling the constant need for validation. -
Seek Support
Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage you to be your authentic self. Healthy relationships are rooted in mutual respect, not exploitation. A support system that values you for who you are, not what you can do for them, is key to rebuilding your resilience. -
Cultivate Compassion Without Self-Sacrifice
It’s possible to remain compassionate and hopeful without being a doormat. You can be a source of support for others while still honoring your own needs and feelings. In fact, showing up as your best self means taking care of yourself first, so you can serve others from a place of wholeness.
Living Fully with Peace and Joy
Breaking free from people-pleasing and manipulation doesn’t mean you stop caring for others. It means you stop sacrificing your happiness for theirs. You start living with peace because you know that your worth isn’t dependent on anyone else’s approval.
When you learn to validate yourself, set boundaries, and honor your needs, you gain emotional resilience. This allows you to stay hopeful and compassionate, but with the strength to protect your peace and joy.
It’s a process to let go of the constant need for approval, but it’s one worth undertaking. For me, the journey has been about recognizing the patterns that once kept me stuck and learning how to be resilient in the face of manipulation or criticism. I hope this resonates with you and serves as a reminder that your value is intrinsic—you are already enough. With God’s guidance and the right boundaries, you can break free and live fully, with peace and joy in your heart.
