I went to therapy yesterday. It really helped.
I’ve been meaning to go for a long time, but I kept holding back because of the cost. Thankfully, my church partnered with Rooted Life to offer subsidized counseling for those serving in ministry. It’s a form of pastoral care, and in turn, it benefits the church because it equips us with a brighter outlook, more bandwidth, and tools to address what’s happening in our lives—both inside and outside of ministry.
Processing Grief and God’s Sovereignty
In my first session, we talked about work and purpose, but before we got there, we unpacked grief. On my intake questionnaire, I mentioned the significant losses I experienced from 2019 to 2022. I had numbed myself to them, unsure if I had truly processed my grief. As we talked through those I had lost, one stood out—a family friend and business colleague who passed away from COVID. We had traveled together to a large gathering in 2021, and a few weeks later, he was gone. I kept playing the “what if” game, wrestling with guilt.
The therapist shared a profound truth from a pastor’s message at a Celebration of Life service: We war against death because eternity was set in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Death breaks us because it was never part of God’s original design. We grieve because we were made for eternity. That reframed not only my grief for my colleague but also my understanding of every loss I’ve faced.
The therapist reminded me of Job 14:5—God knows the number of our days. When someone passes, especially in my field of health and wellness, I instinctively think, Could something have been done? But ultimately, God is sovereign. It’s not about holding onto life at all costs; it’s about our relationship with Him. His ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9), and that truth lifts the burden of asking, What could I have done differently?
True Contentment: Found in God Alone
Growing up in America, I struggled to understand contentment. If people were content, why did they always strive for more? Why didn’t they downgrade instead of upgrading? If contentment is about gratitude, why do we still yearn for more?
I’ve come to see that our culture views contentment primarily in material terms because material things are tangible. But true contentment isn’t found in things—it’s found in God. Philippians 4:11-13 shows that contentment is about trusting God in all circumstances, whether in abundance or need.
For a long time, I wrestled with guilt—was my desire to set business goals a sign of discontentment? But I realized that being content in God doesn’t mean avoiding ambition; it means finding peace in Him, regardless of success or failure. Contentment frees us from anxiety. Sometimes, God provides what we need, but other times, He simply gives us His presence to endure the storm. Either way, He is enough.
Rediscovering Purpose and Confidence
For the past two years, I’ve prayed for direction, and the answer has remained the same—I believe God has called me to business and workplace ministry in this season. That means stewarding what I have, even if it requires a reboot. It’s difficult because I put in years of effort, and starting fresh takes faith. But as Ecclesiastes 3:3 says, there is a time to tear down and a time to build.
I told my therapist that even if someone doesn’t buy a product from me, if they somehow grow closer to God through our interaction, that would bring me joy. That’s the kind of business I want to run. I also realized I need to be selective about who I share my journey with—some will encourage, but others may try to tear me down.
Embracing Authenticity and Overcoming Fear
One of my biggest struggles has been staying true to myself. In sales, I often catered to what I thought people wanted to hear. It worked, but at the cost of authenticity. Faith is central to who I am, yet I feared that openly sharing it would hurt my business. But God calls us to trust Him, not operate in fear. Wisdom and prudence are necessary, but ultimately, I have to place my confidence in Him.
Another challenge is imposter syndrome. My business took a hit, and I questioned if I could still lead when my success wasn’t what it once was. But vulnerability and authenticity have power. Some people may judge or leave, but my confidence doesn’t come from them—it comes from God. The only approval that truly matters is His.
Moving Forward
My assignment for the next few weeks is to reflect on two questions:
- What does a healthy Holan look like?
- What is a healthy, Christ-focused Holan doing?
These questions will help me clarify my path as I step forward in faith, rediscovering my joy, purpose, and confidence in the Lord.
